disintegrate

rate

okay, i am almost dying. throat hurts like crazy and i am in such a bad mood now. okay, pictures uploaded already. here goes...

studying with sam and marianne was really fun. i love macs breakfast. anyway, i felt that i was rather productive even though i was highly distracted. haha. (:

evidence of me studying. you really need COKE when you study. there were moments when i really wanted to fall asleep. (:

WE WENT BONKERS! :D

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAEL!

THEM - huilin, jael and ruth.

me, huilin and ruth

KEY FAMILY. (:

FINALLY! WATCH OUT FOR OUR FUTURE PRIME MINISTER - RUTH CHAN! HAHA. (:

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mugging time. another one more week. i really cannot take it in anymore. i just wish everything could be over right now. it does not feel good that i am sick and i want to rest but i still need to study. i need to perservere. :P

happy bdae, jael! (:

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thank You for letting me realised how blessed i am. the amount of peace i experienced today was beyond description. perhaps i serve as this role and perhaps this is what you want me to be. i just pray that i will continue to draw strength from You and in You in trust that everything will work out fine. (:

thank You for Your unfailing grace and love.

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got much to update but i am pretty tired now. i will do so tml and pictures will be uploaded.

argh! i was reading some people's blogs and i realised that they finished their exams already!!!! WTH! omg, that is freaking fast. i am like one week behind them. i still got one week left and 3 more papers to go. this is so agonising. Haha. :(

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on the hind side, rallies start today. PAP's rally is just at the stadium opposite my house. WHY? i have to travel all the way to ubi just to attend WP's rally in the OPEN FIELD! this is like major biasness. hahaha. it is going to be a fun night. (:

how many times have i broken your heart
but still you forgive if only i ask

and how many times have you heard me pray
draw near to me

everything i need is You
my beginning and forever
everything i need is you

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that is enough. one song that never fails to make me cry. i dont need anyone, i just need You.
thanks for loving me the way you do. only You know that i am trying...

i will come running home

i got a new calculator. (:

i am feeling so exasperated over my climate paper. i have been spending the whole afternoon trying to figure out what i was reading. i am okay with the theories part but when it comes to equations and calculations, i just dont know anything at all. i am freaking scared lah. if i can get a B for it, i will be happy. argh, i need major help. :(

i will be still and know you are God.

i am innately happy. i finally can sense that amount of pride knowing that people are using your skins. :D AND they bother to give you the credits! (:

I LOST MY CALCULATOR!!!!!!

and i need it for my climate exam next thursday. okay, i have been trying to find it the whole entire day and i still cant find it. i am quite doomed. i am pretty worried about my climate geog paper. Gosh, i dont even know what i am reading and it worries me that i have to use maths to calculate answers. i am pretty much dead for it. the rest is still okay. but this is the one that worries me the most and it HAD to be the last paper for my exams!!!! :(

i am being beaten alive by mosquitoes in my house. argh, did i tell you how much i hate mosquitoes? my sister bought this electric mosquitoes fan to kill mosquitoes. HAHAH. (: it is so darn powerful!!! oooosh.

okay, i am bored. i dont want to go back and study even though i have to. mmmmm, i cant wait to study in church this saturday. :D

today's paper wasnt so bad after all. the lecturer kept saying it was easy and i guess everyone agrees even though i felt that it was OKAY only. at least i had time to check through my papers before handling up. He is in control. it is really up to Him now.

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gosh! i din even sleep last night. i tried to sleep at 1 am but i couldnt fall asleep till 4 am and i had to wake up at 7.30 to drive to school. Driving to school in the morning is chaotic. the traffic jam was making me stressed up. i nearly thought that i wouldnt be able to make it in time for the exam. i cant believe i took one hour to get to school. HAHA.

i am going to rest for one day and start mugging tml. yes, two more weeks to go. (:

i am writing at such a weird time when i should be sleeping and preparing for tml's paper. i am suffering from the lack of coherant and the stifiling amount of pol science knowledge in my brain. i guess i am really disappointed in myself. i have just completely not learn my lesson on studying earlier and playing less. i have no confidence of taking tml's paper because i know i din work hard. yet there is this selfish desire to ask God to be merciful and gracious. What am i thinking? i know i cant just fall back on Him and expect Him to pave the way when i have no worked hard throughout this sem.

but yet i know i never learn. because i have always been a last minute person. i am sorry, God for letting you down time and time again.

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but let me press on towards the goal you have called me to. let this be a lesson for me to rely on you more and less on myself. let this exam be truly yours and not mine. at the end of the day, your glory means more to me and i know i cant disappoint you.

i ripped it off from today's daily bread.

A farmer had a weather vane on his barn, on which was written "God is love." When friends asked why, the farmer said, "This is to remind me that no matter which way the wind blows, God is love."

When the warm "south wind" with its soothing and balmy breezes brings showers of blessing, God is love. "Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above" (James 1:17).

When the cold "north wind" of trial and testing sweeps down upon you, God is love. "All things work together for good to those who love God" (Romans 8:28).

When the "west wind" blows hard upon you with its punishing intent, God is love. "Whom the Lord loves He chastens" (Hebrews 12:6).

When the "east wind" threatens to sweep away all that you have, God is love. "God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory" (Philippians 4:19).

Perhaps you are discouraged and downhearted. If so, remember, God still cares for you. What you are experiencing has either been sent or it has been allowed by Him for your good.

Yes, no matter which way the wind is blowing, God is love

i am numb already. i am so scared right now that i constantly have butterflies in my stomach. i am so doomed this time. all day long, i have just been reading and if i test myself now, i will blank out. i have no idea how am i going to write 3 essays on sat. HAHA. :(

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your strength is made perfect when i am weak. I NEED YOU LORD!

today's csi was FREAKING scary! omg omg omg! hahah. i wish my sis was there to watch with me. haha. (: i bet she will be scared when she watches it by herself tml. HAHA. (: a break from the studying. today was more productive than the past two days. tml starts another round of mugging. i have two days to start memorizing facts into my head. i hope there is enough time. (:

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now i stand alone putting everything behind and pressing forward towards the goal you called me to. take me and show me how to rely on You wholeheartedly.

let me know what is it like to fully depend on you, Lord.take away anything you want and show me how to just follow.i was nothing to start of with but you gave me everything. i love you and i thank you.

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i am nervous.

exams are coming soon and jeanette lee is still not sensing the urgency.i hate sitting down and staring at nothing even though i know i should be studying. i need to be pushed. (:

i realised how my departure is going to affect so many people that i care for. this is what it means of affecting people with your burdens. this was never my intention. i just wanted to be transparent but i think i went overboard. whatever decisions i make, i pray that i will leave you all happy and sastified. i want to make the right decisions without regretting. i just wish i could see it in a simpler way and not complicate myself.

i am sorry.

the words that came from your hearts, i appreciate it alot because i feel the same way about you all. thanks for reminding me what true friendships are about. (:

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God, you are in control.
i am down to my knees with nothing left.
help me to see that everything falls into place.

i found the best place to study in - room 309 of the church building.
oooosh! i did some productive studying there yesterday.
now i am back here rotting and not doing anything.
i conclude that my room is not conducive enough.

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i am falling sick and this is bad.
i have to finish these readings before i sleep.
oh Lord, pls help me. (:

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i can be free
i can be free from this place
Beautiful healer
Beautiful grace
help me see everything falls into place
wake me from dreaming
no more deceiving
break these chains

all for love the Father gave
for only love could make a way
all for love the heavens cried
for love was crucified.

black saturday - iscariot. it is never too late to draw back to Him. the choice between repentance vs death. His hands was stretched out tonight as He died on the cross. that amount of grace and love poured unto us ; how can anyone comprehand that?

"Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done"-Luke 25:42

i chose to come back. Victory was won in God's hands and He lives forevermore. the reflection on His death was poignant but thank You Lord for reminding me that it marks a new beginning in me. Let me fall back on the grace that first brought me here.

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as i was sitting at one corner watching the play, i realised how God works in amazing ways. The gifts and talents whether big or small was given to us by Him. everything works out for his glory perfectly. we are blessed and sometimes we dont see it. i am thankful for the small gifts that he has given to me. no matter how sometimes i feel that i am never good enough, i know that this heart of mine will always be yearning to do the best for him. (:

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i am thankful for the one hour talks we have. it will only get harder as we grow up but there is God who works in us and i know there is a perfect plan for us all. (:

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everything i need is you
my beginning and forever

the best thing to do when it is raining is to SLEEP! (:
i just wish i could sleep longer. now it is time to mug and start packing my bag for church today. gosh, i really hope i have time tml to study. it is going to be a fun night, i hope.

blackbox saturday - here we go. (:

i can only do so much as a friend. i try my best to call and msg you whenever i sense that something is wrong. well, i can only do so much and the rest is up to you. i am still waiting. thanks for all your honest emails. i know the best thing i can do now is to give you space and wait for your replies.

your problems were never burdens to me.
above all, you are more important. (:

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it was a rather weird day yesterday.
i felt intimidated and frightened.
it made total sense but somehow, i felt afraid.
it is pointless for me to say anything cuz everything that i say seems wrong.
have i really depended less on you, God?

V for Vendetta was a brillant movie!!!

"This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified, and has vowed to vanguish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta, held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-a-vis an introduction, and it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V"

can i pls marry V!!

marianne said that when we take group pics, we always smile the brightest. i feel it too because we all know that deep in our hearts, there is this connection that can never be taken away. that is why i dont even mind if i look ugly in those pics because i know that it does not matter how you look in the pictures, the heart matters most. the radient smiles glow from within and those will always be the most beautiful pictures taken. :D

so presenting the worst group picture we took...

HAHA. the hearts matter most. (:
nothing is for certain but what we have are memories that will hold us together.

What keeps us going?

Phil 3:1-11

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in the midst of sufferings and our difficulties, fix our hope unto Christ for He died so that we could be saved and who would one day take us into His presence. the hope of seeing Christ gives us meaning for our daily walk with Him. it gives meaning to every moment. It gives us reason to live in behalf of Christ.

He is the reason we live. so why delight in your sufferings? Look up and fix your eyes onto the cross. (:

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thank You for your amazing love.

Lamp unto my feet
Light unto my path
It is You
Jesus, It is You

This treasure that I hold
More than finest gold
It is You
Jesus, It is You

With all my heart
With all my soul
I live to worship You
And praise forevermore
Praise forevermore

Lord everyday
I need You more
On wings of Heaven I will soar
With You

You take my brokenness
And call me to yourself
There You stand,
Healing in Your hand

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one by one, they drop.
i am really nothing without You.

listen to the Voice

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i am trying. i am really trying. (:

i was a little disappointed.
perhaps for once, i wanted to get an A.
but i know i did pretty well for SS.
my expectations are never the same as His.
i know He was glorified and i will continue to work hard.
His glory, not mine.

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the semester is coming to an end.it has been one weird year in nus.everything was different and it took time to adapt.like i told farisa, i dont think we will ever like the place but we will survive these 4 years. perhaps, the nus experience for each of us is different but i am contented at where i am right now. i can see why God has placed me here. i may never feel this sense of belonging to the school but i realised that i have learnt alot along the way. i see myself adapting and i see myself changing to be less dependant. i am happy and i am truly blessed. (:

weekends are here. yeah. (:

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thank You for loving me the way You do.

Psalms 27.

God said wait on Him.
i am learning to wait and be patient.
and perhaps i can see a big change in myself.

everything in His time.
no questions ask. just wait.

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school is ending. it is time to start mugging.
i cant let myself down anymore. (:
You lead, i follow.

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To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence
I can hear Him say
The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RUTH!!! (:

i had so much fun today. i guess it was more that i expected. there were moments where i was laughing so hard that my stomach hurt so much. we had a wonderful dinner at nydc and i finally went to settlers cafe. it was so fun!!! we were making so much noise. (: i can see why people like to go there.

there is never a dull moment when i am with them. i thank God for the three of you. :D

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YOU have always been there. i have lost sight of the way but now i am found. thank YOU for your amazing grace. (: this song - thank You for this little reminder that You have given me.

I have made You too small in my eyes
Oh Lord, forgive me
And I have believed in a lie
That You are unable to help me.
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show Yourself strong
And in my eyes and with my song
Oh Lord, be magnified

Be magnified, Oh Lord
You are highly exalted
And there is nothing You can't do
Oh Lord, my eyes are on You
Be magnified,
Oh Lord, be magnified

I have leaned on a wisdom of men
Oh Lord, please forgive me
And I have responded to them
Instead of Your light and Your mercy
But now, Oh Lord, I see my wrong
Heal my heart and show yourself strong
And in my eyes and in my song
Oh Lord be magnified

BE MAGNIFIED.

put everything aside and find peace in Him.
for YOU said come to me and i will give you rest.
that is what i want now.

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my worries will be turned into smiles.
my sorrows will be turned into happiness.
i found where i belong.
in this heart of mine, i will grow. (:

i feel like i am so fickle minded.
i am just a major human contradiction.
HAHA. (:

God opens a door and He closes it.
and now He has opened another door.
the idea was soooo apt.
i hope it will work and i hope it will work through this soul of mine.

God has worked amazingly when you least expect it.
all i need now is a step of faith.
perhaps it is a step of faith into the unknown
and perhapes i will fail.
i have been so tired of not seeing results and maybe that is why i am reluctant to try again.
the passion must be overcome by numerous failures.

so pick yourself up, run the race
and finish it. (:

for once i feel happy and fufilled.

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it is our confession Lord
that we are weak, so very weak
but you are strong.

It is draining to be tired.
But it is all worth it knowing that i was serving the God i love.
that joy from the heart must never be underestimated. (:

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i come with all i am. i am really who i am.
let that heart being sincere for YOU forever
as i learn to worship you in spirit and in truth.

wake up and smell the roses
for today is a brand new day.
wake up and see the birds in the sky
for today is a beautiful brand new day.
wake up and face the world with a brave heart
for today is God's day. (:

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this song is so apt for me now.

into your hands,
i commit again
with all i am
i trust in you

i walk with you whereever you go
through tears and joy
i will trust in you
and i will live in all of your ways and your promises
forever

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and i sing.